it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
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Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.