When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
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My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
mom gave me mine for free
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.