Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
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You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.