Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
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I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Candles never taste the way they smell
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.