Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
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Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
had to share :’)
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken