Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
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twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round