“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
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“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.