The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
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I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director