ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
You Might Also Like
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.