Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
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I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.