[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
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The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
*has no idea what a book even is*
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”