[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
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My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
#oldknees
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.