I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
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When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day