Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
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Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.