me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
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Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.