Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
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Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.