*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
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Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.