Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
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“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Easy enough.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom