Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
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If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
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No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
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how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
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If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
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Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god