*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
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Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.