LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
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Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.