Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
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Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”