Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
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I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”