DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
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[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”