just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
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INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.