I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
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$3 #books
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
pat pat
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me