I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
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My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Lmao 🤣
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”