The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
You Might Also Like
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
58.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
“I FIXED IT!”
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*