ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
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The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse