Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
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Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Rather alarming headline…
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
They got a point!
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
North and South
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?