Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
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The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Lassie, get help!
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful