Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
You Might Also Like
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
This is painfully accurate 😅
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’