How I’d get arrested…
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If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog