When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
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A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Just grow your own
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now