If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
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Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.