@traciebreaux

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.

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@ComicMikeV

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

@david8hughes

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

@carlyken

I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza

@meganrosati

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

@Schroofles

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

@ozzyunc

Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.

@deloisivete

Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner

@internetluke

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

@funnyordie

SEVEN DEADLY SINS

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting

@Tmoney68

Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.