Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
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[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
Now watch as I try to put it out
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Calling me instead of just texting
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.