“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
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This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.