if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
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[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.