(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
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Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.