Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
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Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.