[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
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I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.