If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
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I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor