“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
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[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax