…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
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if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
True.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Put this video in the Louvre
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same