police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
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The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.