in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
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“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂