Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
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Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
TODAY
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Just had my nails done!
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!