The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
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Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.