My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
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I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.