Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
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Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like