Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
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*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Was it something I said?
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.