Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
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HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.