I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
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“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.