Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
You Might Also Like
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.